You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It's official drugs can't kill me
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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