dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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