I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You made out with two different species that night
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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