There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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