A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
