the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
