So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
from now on my penis is your penis
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
