She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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