just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
