Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
