I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
