you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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