This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
