Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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