Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
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I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
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I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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