That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
