i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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