Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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