I need to stop coming to work sober
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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