i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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