yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
