it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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