end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
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Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
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you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.