i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
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I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
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it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.