did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
