you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
