i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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