In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
