i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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