Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
