meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
