You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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