Apparently you make a good broom.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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