Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
