He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
