I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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