I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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