wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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