I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
