No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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