onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
