she's into porn, im staying here tonight
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
