are you still at the devil's house?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
