someone threw a dead crab at me
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You took a bar mat shot.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
