I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
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Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
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I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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