between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
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Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
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I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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