Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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