I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
