you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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