I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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