got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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