if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I supernannyed him into submission
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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