My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
