i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
